i feel like walking up to someone and saying, "i feel like destroying myself and possibly, hopefully killing myself in the process. tell me why i shouldn't do this?". for i cannot find any reasons why i shouldn't anymore. the concept of living seems foreign to me. and it is my day to choose. i feel like that excerpt says it all, no suicide note is needed. it is a pure extraction of emotion so perfectly articulated and pristine. it cannot be glossed over. i planned on coming into a room alone, roommate still in class. and i would repeat the offense i had committed three days ago. it could have been a week ago, even. i don't know anymore-- because all days are the same. and none ever vary in their misery and complication. i just want to be alone so i can purge, but i am denied. even came back to my dorm to do it. and i would have done it well. cutting and pills, just enough to die a little. to die a little more. i like to justify and manifest my misery, and i do it so well it almost does kill me. and i am unphased by it. i feel like asking alice to leave, just for a half hour or maybe if she is generous enough, an hour. but i do not want to detract from her work time, as i detract from my life. it would not be right in making her leave, which is the only reason why i have not done anything still. i feel like preemptively gathering all of these bottles of pills in our room: the tylenol, the advil, and i would search her drawers and closet for other medications-- i know her problems as i know mine, and chances of her taking medication are in my favor.she is gone until twelve. i'll be doing this in daylight, no longer shrouded by the security of darkness. wounds stay hidden if there is no light. i suppose i could call this a risk. in every aspect of irony in the word itself. i am against time. i knew i bought more gauze for a reason. cuts do not flow blood. it merely beads like the most beautiful and purest jewels of an earring. my color is red today. taking a picture to capture the moment in freezeframe. there are no tears this time. this is all simply part of my purest function. the best gift you've ever given me was your knife.
throwing : stones
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