but my mother is making me go to the doctors. i sleep two to three times a day for hours at a time.

could be anemia.

or just simple iron deficiency.

depression. as always.

no time for real meals.

blood sugar levels.

i'm always fatigued. my body doesn't feel the same as it usually does, something i attributed to the fact i'm not longer running cross country. but

maybe everyone is right. my body could have given itself mono. i'm a more likely candidate, with my immune system being weak as it is.

and then i have you. telling me that you think you don't need me anymore like you used to.

little was i aware that i was an OBJECT to be needed, and a SPACE-FILLER to be had.

i have a feeling that i'll be the one to get my heart broken, this time. you're falling out of love so passively.

you kill meaning to everything that ever was. it's amazing how much your love has changed for me throughout these nine-months.

at one time it was so warm. and now we're both aware that it has gotten so stale

something that i don't think i'll be able to handle, when this is over, is how your reaction will differ from mine.

i know you like a book.

(and i'm ready to tear out your pages and rip the spine)

i am going to go crazy. i am going to go into a manic-depressive state. i am going to tear at my hair. i am going to cry. i am going to become hostile. i am going to throw away the next x-months of my future-- which should be dedicated to my getting to college, but i'll do nothing with it all the same. i will not sleep (or maybe that's all i'll do), i will not eat. i'll lose all ambition.

because darling, it's already happening that way.

and you will show no emotion. you will fill your time with friends, work, and busy yourself with school. this seed of apathy will grow and bloom until you don't even feel it anymore. last time we went through this, it happened this way. suddenly you never had a sentimental moment, you never felt depression, you never cared enough to even give the relationship the dignity it deserved by acknowledging its absence. you will live your life as cold-hearted as you used to, and it would be all the same.

you do not know how infuriated that makes me.

for selfish reasons, that you will not suffer in the same way that i will-- though that also shows me how differently we've viewed our involvement in this relationship.

and for more, dare i say, altruistic ones, that despite all that we've been through, you are still going to walk away the most cold-hearted and apathetic bastard you entered the relationship as. and that you've learned nothing.

i'm tired of trudging through the mud. so. fucking. tired of it.